I don't know how people do this.

I was so ready to start pouring shit here over an hour ago, like really depressing kind of shit, and it wasn't even of me! I had been going over it for an hour and suddenly, it was gone. All of it was gone! I had been crying over it and it's gone. Just like that. It's weird because I finally realized how much I go over the things I write and how little of it I end up writting.


The only time I've gone to see a shrink I was told that I had something like depression and bipolarity, except that most of the time I was in a neutral-kinda-blank state, I don't remember what it was called, but when I feel an emotion I feel it reeeaally strongly, being it positive or negative, and if I don't feel anything is because I hadn't been affected by it. You see, a few days ago, I made my mother really angry. I don't even know what I said or did to make her so, but while she was trying to share her burden with me I didn't feel a thing. I mean, I understand what had made her mad, I understood what I had done and what is my problem, and while I accepted that, yes, she's right, I'm an inconsiderate piece of shit, I realized I should be, I don't know, feeling bad? Ashamed, sad? I literaly felt nothing at all. It's happened a few times, something happens, people feel something and react a certain way, and as I comprehend which is the reaction I should have, I don't have it. It doesn't get to me as it should.
"Did you hear? A woman skinned her children and killed his husband the other day!" Oh, really? What was her name?
"There was an accident at the road to Kino, the car ended up exploding" Mom saw it while coming from work.
*Sees teacher falling down the stairs, breacking her leg, and tons of students rushing and trying to help her and call an ambulence* Shhhhhoooot, I'm so hungry.
*Passes all the regularization exams with good marks* "You made it! How you feel about graduating?!" Fine, I guess.
*Gets accepted into the university in the career she wants* OH SHIT, I NEED TO GET THE MONEY, WHAT DO I DO, WHAT DO I DO?!

And I try to act the way I should, but it seems to make it worse for everyone. I don't know if I need to stop or continue trying.
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I've been watching the movie Blind Dating a lot lately, just today has been 4 times. Idk, I like it, I mean, the plot kinda sucks and the dialogue could be soo much better, but I like the movie. Well, I like Danny, Lorenzo, Jay and Marie. They're a good set of characters I have to admit it.

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I guess in a way it's funny, the 22 year old blind virgin, the jackass but lovable older brother, the loyal best friend and the enthusiastic little sister.
I can't understand my liking of the movie, seriously!
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I even thought about writing fanfiction for it. Seems like a new obsession. An unwanted one.
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So it's been nine months. I guess I'm back.

Couldn't even remember what email I used to sign-in.

Hope I don't sound to different. A bit dry, I guess, but not that far from usual.

I'm at the end of my last semester, I'm going to go to university, I hope. I have to make do. I have to do it. Don't want to disappoint even more people.

Mom may be going away too. I'll be alone.

I don't want to be alone. It seems like she doesn't want to leave me either, but things happen. Can't change it.

I don't feel ready.

I may have to get a roomie to make a living. I may have to quit school too. I may have to become a hooker to get money for food. I don't know.

And I can't voice any of my concerns to mom. She still doesn't even let me finish talking before she starts droning about how I am her greatest failure.

Don't know what I'm doing anymore.
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So I'm curious about the Victorian Tussie-Mussie art and flower language, but I can't seem to find the "code" for it. I'm even considering to learn Hanakotoba once I am able to master the Tussie-Mussie.

The scent of a soul

Zehehk X Marlin-Marlow

The breeze pure and salty as the ocean. Oh, the void, the void, the cruel emptiness of a lonely heart. Oh, poor man, that who has been looking for his other half from way back.

«Marlin, Dear Marlin» Zehehk missed him, all of him. The memories still lingered crystal clear on his mind. «Sweet Marlin» His voice was hoarse, the spirit was tired of his endless travel but the hope never faltered. He knew it would take time, spiritual reconstruction wasn't quick nor easy and usually it took various attempts for it to be complete.

He knew the possibilities of reunion, it had to be a beach, the same place they both parted ways. Images of that tragic night were able to bring tears back, the agonizing moans of pain from his beloved. But Zehehk couldn’t let them fall, never. It was for the best, his quest a mean to achieve it. He could do it. He would.

All left to do was wait. It was for Marlin. For him.

Pollution attacked fiercely the waters and air, «Hideous», a condescending word directed at the shore. It was worrying. How will Marlin live, if not in the clean currents of the big blue? He would die prey of the toxins of mankind if not by the monster itself.

Marlin used to keep the waters clean and secure, Zehehk remembered vaguely every time he would get upset about the fish dying. He used to bent his anger screaming and breaking rocks by the shore, then used them to build refuges for the sea habitants.

One stray little tear rolled down the tanned skin. Every time Zehehk had a look of the memory lane he wanted to die himself, specially when he remembered the precious little details; the way Marlin's eyes would light up while looking at the night sky, the shining and thin scales he sported, and lastly, the faint smell of what he could call “happiness” when being together.

«Like sour whine and dry Azalea» A weird combination indeed but it was very unique, a unique scent for a unique soul.

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  • Current Music: Total Eclipse of the Heart
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I may be too sensible...

I sure as hell don't like being on someones house while shit blows up.

Uncle Luis is ANGRY because he lost money and I'm using his computer for homework but it's in his room so he was all "GODDAMNIT, WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS TO ME? THIS IS WHY I SHOULD GO TO A FUCKING HOTEL TO REST AFTER WORK'S SHIT".
Actually I think he sensed that I was damn scared, don't get me wrong, I AM scared, so he's actually on the kitchen arguing with granny about I don'tknowwhat (I'm using headphones to block out) but he sounds angry still.

I don't like when he's angry, makes me feel as if he'll beat me any second for nothing. He's big and intimidating usually. It gets worst when he's angry.


Soooo mom's reeeaally angry at me. She saw my grades at the school's meeting and practicaly said to me that I had to choose between studying or get a job and start paying ALL the bills; if I wanted her to watch me as if I was a little kid and show her all the homework I've done everyday, and that I was mediocre and all my friends were mediocre too.

So I may stop posting for a while. I know, I don't post that much, but we're talking about months here so...


I'm so damn tired. I just finished an assignment that was due tomorrow and I'm pretty proud to say, I just finished 1/4 of my homework. And all of it is from the same class. Yay.

Can't feel my ass as I've been sitting on a hard wood chair for 13 hours, my eyes are itchy 'cause of the screen.

I'm going to bed.

Happy birthday Mr.DJ. I'll congratulate you properly tomorrow.
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